THE STRUGGLE TO BLEND

2009-07-17T09:44:00.000-07:00

THE SRUGGLE TO BLEND
What is it about having a relationship at an older age that makes us feel like we’re 16 again? The excitement of discovering you’re in love? The nervous feeling you get when you introduce your boyfriend (is that what we call him at our age) to your friends? For me it was introducing Steve to my daughter. (It felt strangely reminiscent of the movie Meet the Parents.) Would my daughter accept him or think I was nuts? As a single mom each milestone was a challenge but one was harder then all the others…

THE OVERNIGHT.
Even though we had been dating for over 2 years, Steve had never spent the night when my daughter was home. A little over protective you’re probably thinking. Probably, but in our house it was just my daughter and myself for many years. Although she was very fond of Steve, I wasn’t ready to introduce this intimate side of my relationship into our lives.

Not knowing how to handle this next step I decided to poll my divorced friends and see what they did. Like the true “Virgin Moms” their kids think they are, the most popular method seemed to be avoiding the situation all together…. One after another, my friends described late nights when they’d sneak their mates into their bedrooms after the kids were safely asleep. Then at the crack of dawn they would sneak back out again (And if that doesn’t remind you of being a teenager again, nothing will)

I decided, on the other hand, to handle things in a more direct way. I discussed my intentions openly with daughter (after all she was 17). This is how the conversation went. Me: “I was thinking it’s time for Steve to spend the night. What do you think?” My daughter, going on the offense “ Oh, does that mean when I’m dating, I can have my boyfriend sleep over too”? Me, feeling a little defensive, “ Listen, I’m the adult here. I have been married and divorced. I‘ve had enough experience to make these kinds of mature decisions about my relationship and you certainly are not!” and so it went. (I handled that well didn’t I)? After a few slamming doors (hers, not mine) my daughters’ only request was not to “DO IT” while she was in the house. I knew that she shouldn’t be calling the shots, but I reluctantly agreed. After all it was unlikely she would know what went on behind closed doors and as they say in Vegas “What goes on in moms’ room, stays in moms’ room.”

THE WEEKEND FINALLY ARRIVED.
In my head I had a planned how the night would go, but as “bed-time” approached, I was the one feeling awkward. I wasn’t sure if I should say goodnight to my daughter and walk casually with Steve into my bedroom, or wait for her to go to bed first. And I hadn’t thought at all about what it would be like in the morning? Would we all hang around in our pajamas acting like this was an everyday occurrence? I decided the easiest way for me to deal with the churning in my stomach, was very similar to my girlfriend’s method. Simply wait until my daughter went to bed and then Steve and I would escape to my room for the night. Waiting for a cue from me, Steve pretended to watch TV with zombie-like concentration until I made the first move. And so, began a sort of Mexican standoff as we all sat around pretending that we stayed up this late every night. Waiting to see who would get tired first, I was the one who gave in, got up and made my move.

It’s been months now and my fiancé stays over almost every night. In the morning we barely acknowledge each other, as we get ready for work and school. Looking back, it seems silly to have put so much pressure on this one small event. We made it through another milestone, and the next level of blending our families was accomplished…and yes, in case you were wondering, what goes on in mom’s room stays in moms’ room!

2009-07-01T19:41:00.000-07:00

For many women my age the struggle to juggle is about finding a way to maintain a sensible work/ life balance. In my life, it is that and more. For me the struggle to juggle is mostly about blending families – finding a way to create a successful second marriage which includes my fiancé, my daughter, my soon to be step kids from my current relationship, my step sons from my first marriage, 4 grandchildren, my ex, and to spice it all up, my future husband’s ex wife… Add to that our helpful friends, in-laws, and occasional professional advice and you have what has become my life (at least on alternating weekends).

My first marriage was where I originally conceived of the idea of a happily blended family From my husbands’ side came two teenage boys. Their mom, who I often referred to, as “our ex-wife” was a fixture in our lives. Her presence in my stepsons’ lives was the impetus for everyone getting along. Our daughter, born a few years after, became the bond that brought us all together. My husband and I felt blessed to have a child to add to our family and her two brothers, who at that point were almost 20 years older and out of the house, took their responsibility as older siblings very seriously - and alternately teased, taught, tortured and adored to her.

When my first marriage ended in divorce (fairly amicably by most standards) we worked hard to keep the children close. For me, that meant finding a way to remain in my stepsons’ lives and keep my relationship with my grand children solid even though I was no longer married to “Grampy”. Uncharted territory for all of us, we faced many awkward moments but managed to make it work.

Enter marriage #2.
Being the eternal optimist, I have come to believe that I can do it all again and create a happy balance between the family that was and the family I am soon to be a part of. My new concept of a well-blended family came to me while watching the food channel. When a TV chef creates a gourmet dish, you will often here it described as containing “layers of flavor”. I’d like to believe a good second marriage could work the same way. If we carefully choose the ingredients, follow the directions closely and allow the flavors to emerge, we will create the perfect dish with all of our “layers of flavor” happily blending together. So far my experience has been a little different. I never know what’s going to happen at dinner but you can be sure it is never as smooth as Paula Dean laughing while cooking with her sons. Usually we are missing some of the ingredients - which doesn’t really matter since someone at the table no longer eats - vegetables – meat – fish – or some other ingredient essential to the dish. Toss in some name-calling, kids refusing to eat and locking themselves in the bathroom or making some kind of an insulting remark – and you have the current version of a what our Sunday dinners look like.

As a woman, and a mom, I feel responsible for the success of this monstrous undertaking. Isn’t that the primary rule of being a woman? For the love of family and the idea of a blissful household, I have taken on the role of mediator, negotiator, event planner and peacekeeper of my newly blended family. Does it all work out? Will it ever work out? That is what the struggle to juggle will ultimately tell ..

Each week I will add an installment to our “Struggle to Juggle” lets see what happens... see you soon? JL

The struggle to juggle

THE STRUGGLE TO BLEND